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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints, and were

stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Scotsman too, in anguish, picked the fly out of his drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling "Alright! Spit it out, spit it all out you bastard!!!!"

Submitted by Bill,, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.

Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and

try to rip us off. I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England
 

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A man walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the elderly Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The elderly Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Forty Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Gypsies. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.  'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates' 

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England
 

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Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university...

... and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky). 

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Paddy was in New York  

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends.

During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally Cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.  The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and Oi'll

See what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'sposed to pick them up !!!

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, West Sussex, England
 

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Two Irish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to a low bridge.

A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'.

The first GUY looks at the second GUY and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so our brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a freaking clueless idiot...

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name,

I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought.....'I really like Denise'

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies 'Denephew'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Heaven is a place where the police are English...

...; the chefs are Italian; the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English, the car mechanics are French the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.
 

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Mexican words of the day ...
  • *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
  • *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
  • *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I, shoulder.
  • *Texas * My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
  • *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
  • *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
  • *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
  • *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
  • *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
  • *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
  • *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
  • *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
  • *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
  • *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.
 

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Three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight.

They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and I hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
 

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle...

...they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Forget dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE....

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Forget dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his stuped hengliding!'

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Md.
 

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More from the Irish Medical Dictionary
  • Canula (n): Enquiry about Doctor's singing ability
  • Incontinent (v): To be in France or Germany
  • Emergency Room (n) : Where things come out.
  • Stethescope (n): Like a telescope, but for listening to small sounds.
  • Fracture (n): A branch of mathematics
  • Corn (v): Left. Not here.
  • Fistula (n): An Irish salute
  • Intern (adv): Queuing
  • Morgue (adv): Faster acceleration
  • Heparin (adv):The operation can start (note: heps are Irish anaesthetics)
  • Triage (adj): More than two years old.
  • Blood type (n): Family member
  • Blister (n) Term of invective (Note: a contraction of bl….(S)ister)
  • Injection (v): Abrupt comment
  • Longitudinal study (adv): Reading in bed
  • Rash (v): Hurry
  • Abscess (n): In charge of a nunnery
  • Nurses station (n): Where they go to catch the train
  • Doctor's Lounge (comment): but not when they're operating
  • Lungs (adv): Distance or time estimate. (As in 'how lungs it?')
  • Communicable disease (n): Condition that tells you what it is before you see it.
  • Kidney (excl): Disbelief. (As in 'you're kidney')
  • Registrar (n): Voice range (note: often used in conjuntion with canula (qv))
  • Varicose (adv): Not far
  • Tinnitus (n): Sixpack
  • Infirmary (n): Privatised medicine

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness...

... and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the s! econd round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
 

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