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A bus load of Irish tourists arrives at Runnymede.  

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'

Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter
Son: 'Well, in that case . . . ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.

Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'
Luigi : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You are doing very well... only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Being Irish Means....
  • you will never play professional basketball
  • you swear very well
  • at least one of your cousins holds political office
  • you think you sing very well
  • you have no idea how to make a long story short
  • you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf
  • there isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone
  • much of your food was boiled
  • you have never hit your head on the ceiling
  • you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling
  • you're strangely poetic after a few beers
  • you're poetic a lot
  • you will be punched for no good reason...a lot
  • some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations
  • your sister will punch you because your brother punched her
  • many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth
  • someone in your family is incredibly cheap
  • it is more than likely you
  • you don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing
  • you can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking
  • "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"
  • you're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in
  • talent, you make up for in frequency
  • there wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party
  • you are, or know someone, named "Murph"
  • if you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac"
  • if you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully"
  • you'll probably also know Sully McMurphy
  • you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret
  • your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room and last but not least... Being Irish means...
  • your attention span is so short that---oh, forget it.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town...

..., when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor.

In the waiting room at the surgery, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist. The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything.

The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive. The man says:

"Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit.

The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?"

The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"

The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.

On entering the doctor's office he says casually,

"Hello doctor, here I am again!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.

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Irish Smiles
  • Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
  • Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
  • The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
  • An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
  • Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them.
  • Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
  • Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
  • Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
  • Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor.
  • Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .
  • "O' Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O' Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
  • Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
  • My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says...

..., "Pardo n me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man,"this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees, that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck, this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "kipa!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

"Rover," says the man, "tallis!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood , get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make millions of dollars!!

"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a doctor."

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.

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Abe, an old Jewish man, was dying.

On his deathbed, he looked up and said, "Is my wife here?"

His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."

So Abe asks, "Are my children here?"

"Yes, daddy, we're all here," say the children.

Abe inquires, "Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

So Abe sits up and yells, "Then Why Is the Light on in the Kitchen?!?"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And Bill comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps...

..., were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts. The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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After 38 years of accident free driving I finally had a wreck.

I am fine, but it was one of those stupid rear end collisions, where it could have been avoided. It was really nobody's fault.

To my surprise, the guy I hit was a dwarf and he stormed out of his car, stomped back to my car and shouted at me, "I AM NOT HAPPY!".

So, I asked him, "Well, which one are you?"

Learned one thing about dwarfs, they don't have a sense of humor.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The difference between American and Italian Kids
  • American Kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
    Italian Kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married .... unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.
  • American Kids: When their Mom visits them she brings a nice bundt cake and you sip coffee and chat.
    Italian Kids: When their Mom visits them she brings 3 days worth of food and begins to immediately tidy up, dust, do the laundry or rearrange the furniture.
  • American Kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them and its usually only on special occasions.
    Italian Kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00 and starts pruning the fruit trees. And if there are no fruit trees, he will plant some!
  • American Parents: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.
    Italian Parents: No problem, leave your kids there and if they get out of line your parents can set them straight ... plus they get fed.
  • American Kids: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done. Italian Kids: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done .... cash deal, knowwhatImean?
  • American Kids: Will come over for cake and coffee and get only cake and coffee, no more.
    Italian Kids: Will come over for cake and coffee and get antipasto, a few bottles of wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, potatoes, a nice dessert cake, fruit, coffee and a few after dinner drinks .... time permitting there will be a late lunch as well.
  • American Kids: Think that being Italian is a great thing,
    Italian Kids: Know that being Italian is a great thing
  • American Kids: Never ask the reason you have no food.
    Italian Kids: Are the reason you have no food.
  • American Kids: Will say 'hello".
    Italian Kids: Will give you a big hug and a kiss, pinch your cheeks, and pat you on the back.
  • American Kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
  • Italian Kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
  • American Kids: Have never seen you cry.
    Italian Kids: Cry with you.
  • American Kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
    Italian Kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.
  • American Kids: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
    Italian Kids: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
  • American Kids: Know a few things about you.
    Italian Kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
  • American Kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
    Italian Kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.
  • American Kids: Would knock on your door.
    Italian Kids: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
  • American Kids: Are for a while.
    Italian Kids: Are for life.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny

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Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics ...

..., these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website, obviously the answers are a joke; but these questions were really asked:

Q: I have never seen it to be warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (from England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (from USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4000 miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida

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Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists.

Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilization, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.

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O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years ...

... and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Paddy staggered home very late after an evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. The bottle of "Jameson" in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt. Bridget sat staring at him from a cross the room. She said, "Paddy McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, weren't ye?"

Paddy said, "Why are ye accusin' me of such a thing?"

"Ah, well," Bridget said, "it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but mostly, I'm thinkin', it's all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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