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New Products For Tough Economic Times
  • A Mattress vault complete with slots and a combination entry on the side for those who do not trust banks.
  • A unique car navigation system that only shows nearby prices on gas stations.
  • For those camera-ready intersections, jamming device fires back a laser that makes your car license look like one off a Checker Cab in the photo.
  • Your phone ringer changes to say "Smartass alert" whenever a politician is sending you a message.
  • You mailbox has two slots, one for regular mail that is saved for you and one for junk mail that automatically sets them on fire.
  • "Bad program zapper" for your television that you control. When a bad show comes on, you press the button and a jolt is sent back to the station thus blocking out their transmission for an hour.
  • Dictionary for medical illness abbreviations. What's C.O.P.D.? What's E.D.? What's I.B.S.? This book will explain every abbreviation used on television advertising to not say the actual medical condition.
  • Having to again go through another trial of "O.J. Simpson Insurance". When you mistakenly turn on a story about O.J. on trial again, you get reimbursed for damages.
  • Too many experts. Are you tired of all of the political and economic experts telling you one thing and then the other, but you cannot understand any of it? You local Junior High School is setting up course for parents who should have learned these things in the first place.
  • Having to again watch George W. Bush on Television again deodorant. How can he look so calm when all hell has broken out? Because heís leaving soon, that's how!

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops.

She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My ass!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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How to tell that your old incumbent shouldn't run for mayor again:
  • After nodding through the council meetings he has to be wheeled to his job as a mailman.
  • His new advisory committee came from Luigi's cell at the federal pen.
  • Many of the little children came to his house on Halloween. and did not return for days.
  • At a ribbon cutting ceremony, he snipped the wrong ribbon and cut off power to the neighborhood for three hours.
  • He cannot cut hair at his barber shop after he forgot to give himself a business license.
  • He cannot find the city hall on most days, and he was driven there by his wife of 65 years.
  • He constantly has to be told that he is neither Democratic or Republican, but he cannot find "Whig" on his Rolodex.
  • He agrees with most of the policies of the President---President Taft.
  • During the last election results he yelled "yahoo" when he thought that he had won. Actually he was watching the clothes dryer in the laundromat.
  • He thought that the write-ins for him on the last ballot were for him. Actually they said "Get out of politics, you old fogy!"

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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A man had to be taken to hospital still attached to a steel toilet ...

... after super-glue was deliberately smeared on the seat. Firefighters were unable to free the man and were forced to remove the entire toilet with the man attached.

The 35-year-old was in a public toilet cubicle in Brierley Hill in the West Midlands when he became stuck.

He was taken to hospital where doctors had to get into the ambulance before using chemicals to free him.

An ambulance service spokesman said: "He appeared to be none the worse for his ordeal other than being understandably somewhat embarrassed."

It is thought the glue had been smeared on the toilet seat by a prankster.

An ambulance crew and a rapid response vehicle attended the scene just before midday but they were unable to free the man.

"With the help of a local authority and the fire and rescue service, the man was removed from the cubicle still attached to the stainless steel toilet," the spokesman said.

The toilet was later taken back to the public convenience and re-installed.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Things you shouldn't do while driving...

We know That there are things that shouldn't be attempted while driving a car. Some say cellular phone use. Others think that eating is too distracting. Here are some more:

  • Watching "War And Peace" on video.
  • Clipping your fingernails.
  • Participating as the contestant's "buddy" on "Do You Want To Be A Millionaire?"
  • Trying to find out how many peanut butter sandwiches you can consume in a minute without a drink.
  • Counting the twenty dollars in pennies that you dropped behind your seat.
  • Arguing on cell phone with a staff member of the IRS.
  • Taffy pulling.
  • Realizing that the bottled water that you have been sipping is really gin.
  • Tied to your antenna, flying a kite on the expressway.
  • Trying to bribe a toll booth agent.
  • Shooting a bow and arrow out the window at a deer.
  • Tap dancing on the accelerator.
  • Cleaning off your windshield with a shovel while moving.
  • Playing gin rummy with members of your carpool.
  • Eating cereal with milk out of a commuter mug.
  • Throwing flowers out of the window at a gay pride parade.
  • Playing jacks.
  • Reading this list.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Air Gigantica Airlines Announces Fee Changes
  • As previously hinted, Air Gigantica is forced to add extra fees to their flightsóto wit:
  • Stewardess run through of the safety items now costs $5.
  • Charge to bring the aircraft to the gate is $10
  • Towing charge to put the aircraft from the gate to the tarmac is $15.
  • If they call you to come to the ticket counter, itís $5.
  • Cancellation of the flight due to plane breakdown is $20.
  • Refund of your ticket is now $50, plus the loss of your luggage.
  • The luggage search, after they lost it is $30. If they find it itís is an additional $75.
  • The cost of putting flight information on the board now costs you $10.
  • Ticket taker fee is $5.
  • The stewardess has to lock up the overhead, so itís $10 a row.
  • Any announcements from the captain now costs a $10 "expert" fee.
  • Weather forecasts from your destination now cost $2.
  • Donít forget the departure charges to help you off the plane--$20.
  • Extra charges for the aged or young costs an additional $7.
  • A charge to do business in your city now costs you $50, plus endless advertising piped over the sound system.
  • Stewardesses now charge passengers for uniform cleaning--$20 each.
  • Extra waiting in line before the plane is authorized to take off costs $1 a minute.
  • Also, waiting after landing to be authorized to come to the gate costs you $2.
  • If they catch you with your cell phone on during the flight, itís $5. If you use it, itís a $40 cellphone charge.
  • Price to turn on your reading light is $3, to get air itís $4.
  • The barf bags now costs $7ófilled--$20.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Stream, Ill.

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Signs your Bank is On Shaky Grounds...

  • The members of the board of directors have changedófrom local citizens to three from Zaire, two from the United Arab Emirates and one from skid row downtown.
  • The bank president turned in his Lexus for a Humvee.
  • They keep giving you change in shekels.
  • They used to give you a free toaster when you started an account. Now they give you Publisherís Clearing House contest entry forms.
  • The friendly old security guard at the door has been replaced by Rambo.
  • You pass through airport-type of screening devices when you go in or out the door.
  • The electric meter reader went down to the vault area and he has not been seen from since they put a tiger down there.
  • All of the teller positions have been outsourced online to India.
  • The branches that have closed permanently refer you to another branch that has closed permanently.
  • You see Ben Bernacke, Henry Paulson and Martha Stewart closing their accounts.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb..

'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and fifty pounds!'

He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds using only hand tools, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, and a a bag of weed.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Advertising Definitions
  • NEW AND IMPROVED! This cannot be because if a product is new it cannot be already improved.
  • SAME PRODUCT IN NEW PACKAGE. But beware, the new package also included a reduction in ounces for the same price.
  • THIS PRODUCT IS BETTER! Better than what? Is a Lexus better than a little red wagon? Is a steak better than a gristly piece of pig's intestines?
  • THIS IS THE GREATEST ALBUM THAT THIS ARTIST EVER MADE! The rest of them were condemned by the Legion of Decency.
  • THIS MOVIE IS THE GREATEST SINCE "GONE WITH THE WIND". In what way? How about the most times people were forced to go out into the lobby for a breather or the bathroom for a case of morning sickness (even the men)?
  • GREAT BRITAIN. Is it as great as when it defeated the Spanish Armada or endured the Germans in 1940? A true story: Rich Melmon, the brains behind Chicago's "Lettuce Entertain You" restaurant group had a place called "Great Gritzby's Flying Food Show" for a dozen years. When one of his friends remarked that the restaurant had sagged in quality, Melmon changed its name to "Not So Great Gritzbys" and it closed forever in a couple of months. People do believe what you say and do.
  • BETTER THAN EVER! That is because it was never any good in the first place and there is plenty of room to be "Better Than Ever" again someday!
  • OUR BEST SALE OF THE YEAR! Thais means that the stuff on sale is now a little closer to the real value of the item than usual. Also remember 40% off sounds great when the item originally was priced at $100. But when the manufacturer jacks up the retail suggested price to way above its worth in order for discounting, then that 40% isn't so much. Really, the best sale is 100% off.
  • HERE IS A HOUSE FOR SALE THAT WON'T LAST LONG! and A DOLL HOUSE, and other realtor famous phrases. The former means that there are termites crawling up the embers. The latter means that the house is too small to be lived in except by pygmies.
  • BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE. That means that the item is priced so high that you should get two items for the same buck with the store still making a comfortable margin. Also it is a great way to clear the shelves of something that they were forced to stock by the owner's brother-in-law.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem...

..., I can't stop thinking about relations."

The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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An armless man walked into a bar that is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink.

He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.

By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

To which the little boy replied, "Our babysitter's boyfriend."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Great Eastern Highway on a motorbike.

Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aborigines ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aborigines he has to leave.

'Heyyyyy mate' they say 'gissa pucken lift'.

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aborigines put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he agree to take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he replies - Aboriginal Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

The Officer replies: 'I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already'.

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed ... as apposed to Lindsay of Melbourne Australia!  Go figure!

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I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle.

While in the lounge, I notice Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.

Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said,

"Hi Chris, what's happening?"

To which I replied, "Buzz off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.

Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points (1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days. STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car. STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.

This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, Under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at Your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the Following supplies

  1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
  2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
  3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
  4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
  5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
  6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.

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