"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then, I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Telephone Service, Civil Service, City & County Public Service, Customer Service, Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

• Water = Poop
• Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of dung.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.

The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."

"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he insists.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"

The man spells, "V A N."

"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."

The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screamed.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were wait ing for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

...when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.

"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.

"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left! , I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life."

"And then you show up and drink the damn poison"

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator " for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, containing his signature and mine, with the same number at the top."

Attorney: "Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?

Officer: " Yes sir. Iin the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH ", underlined."

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, sir"

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile"

Officer: "Yes, sir."

Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody.

The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why'd you waste that tequila?"

The Texan said, "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want."

Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed,commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.

The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replied, "Well, I'm from Napa Valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from."

The Boulderite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the falling bottle.

The patrons screamed in utter disbelief, "Why'd you do that?"

The Boulderite replied, "I'm from Colorado. We've already got too many Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can be recycled!"

Some time ago a complaint was received from a customer of the Pontiac division of General Motors. It was passed to a customer-care executive. His is what he read:

"This is the second time that I have written to you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of Ice-cream for dessert after dinner each night, but the kind of ice-cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice-cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem….

You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of icecream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds…

"What is it about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice-cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind of ice-cream?"

The Pontiac executive was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The engineer was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinnertime, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice-cream store. It was vanilla that night, and sure enough, the car wouldn't start when they returned to it.

The engineer returned three more nights. The first night they got chocolate. The car started. The second night was strawberry, the car starting straight away. The third night was vanilla again, and the car would not start.

The engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this car was allergic to vanilla icecream, so he arranged to continue his visits far as long as it took to solve the problem; toward this end, he began to take notes, jotting down all types of data: time of day, type of gas used, journey times, temperatures, and so on. It wasn't long before he found a clue: the man took less time to buy the vanilla icecream than the other flavours because, being the most popular, it was stored in a case near the front of the store. The others were at the back, at a different counter, and it took considerably longer to check out the flavour.

So the question became why wouldn't the car start when it took less time. Eureka. Time was now the problem, not the vanilla ice-cream. The answer was not long in coming. Vapour lock!

It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavours allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start straight away, but not when the vanilla was bought.

Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real. Impossibilities do give way to reason and insight. It is our attitude and perception that determine the resolution of our problems.

Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it's owner.

Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said; "Why that's great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?"