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The Internal Monologue of a PC

Computer: Monitor, display this document, O.K.?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: O.K., now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. O.K., Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, O.K.?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, hes pressed control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh God, here we go.

Computer: (Sighs) Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know youre there.

Printer: NO! Im not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Oh my Gosh! O.K. look, you really ne

Mouse: Sir, hes clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I dont want to! I hate you! I hate printing! Im turning off!

Computer: Printer, you know you cant turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and well leave you alone.

Printer: NO! Thats what you always say! I hate you! Im out of ink!

Computer: Youre not out of in

Printer: IM OUT OF INK!

Computer: (Sighs) Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

Monitor: But sir, he has plen

Computer: Just do it, damn it!

Monitor: Yes sir.

Keyboard: AHHH! Hes hitting me!

Computer: Stay calm, hell stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

Keyboard: Hes pressing everything. I dont know, hes just pressing everything!

Computer: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what youve done?!

Printer: HA! thats what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time heheyHEY! Hes trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my Gosh! Hes torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please, please help me!

Monitor: Sir, maybe we should help him?

Computer: No. He did this to himself.

Submitted by Sandy, Fairfield, Pa.
 

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.

Customer: Okay.

Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please. . . . . . . Ah, that one does work.

Thanks.


Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.

Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?


Customer: I can't get on the internet.

Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.

Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.


Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.


Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer .. . . but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.

Tech Support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.


A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with her printer.

Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!


Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a 'P'.

Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean ?

Tech Support: 'P' .. . . on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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New Proverbs for the New Millenium
  • Home is where you hang your @.
  • The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  • A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  • You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  • Great groups from little icons grow.
  • Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  • In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
  • Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
  • Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
  • The modem is the message.
  • Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  • The geek shall inherit the earth.
  • Don't byte off more than you can view.
  • Fax is stranger than fiction.
  • What boots up, must come down.
  • Windows will never cease.
  • Virtual reality is its own reward.
  • Modulation in all things.
  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
  • There's no place like your homepage.
  • he who laughs last ... probably has a Mac!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click.'"
 

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Signs Technology has Taken Over Your Life
  • Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, email addresses for two online services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
  • You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
  • You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.
  • You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
  • You disdain people who use low baud rates.
  • When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
  • You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
  • You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
  • You know Bill Gates' email address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
  • You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
  • You sign Christmas cards by putting :) next to your signature.
  • Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :).
  • You back up your data every day.
  • You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.
  • You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.
  • You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.
  • You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
  • On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
  • The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
  • You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts.
  • You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
  • You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
  • You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
  • You know without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and three and a half inch sizes.
  • Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
  • You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
  • While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse induced index finger strain with a nine-year-old.
  • You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
  • You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
  • . You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
  • You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.
  • You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
  • You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
  • You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them into email and forwarded it to you.
  • While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voice net, a bulletin board, and one of your email accounts.
  • You are reading this from a screen.

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Back then...

...A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show, a window was something you hated to clean, and ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend, and gig was something you did on stage for money; now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment, a program was a TV show, a cursor used profanity, and a keyboard was a piano. 

Memory was something that you lost with age, a CD was a bank account...

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file, and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire, hard drive was a long trip on the road, a mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocketknife, paste you did with glue, a web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Redneck Computer Glossary
  • "Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
  • "Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
  • "Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
  • "Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
  • "ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
  • "Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.
  • "Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
  • "Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.
  • "Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
  • "LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
  • "Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
  • "bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch long ways."
  • "digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
  • "packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!

Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:

  • Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
  • Join every free banner exchange.
  • Get your own free-for-all links page.
  • Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
  • Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
  • Hire a bulk e-mailer.
  • Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Dogs And Computers: Same Or Different?

Favorite Food

  • Dogs: kibbles
  • Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior

  • Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
  • Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property

  • Dogs: dog not found
  • Computers: file not found

Favorite trick

  • Dogs: roll over
  • Computers: play dead

Comic-page hero

  • Dogs: Dogbert
  • Computers: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads

  • Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth
  • Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus

  • Dogs: replace valuable carpeting
  • Computers: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate

  • Dogs: leash law
  • Computers: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool

  • Dogs: pooper-scooper
  • Computers: uninstaller

Sensitive internal procedures

  • Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
  • Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once

Method of marking territory

  • Dogs: lifting leg
  • Computers: "Designed for Windows XP"

Unique behavior

  • Dogs: lick and drag
  • Computers: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature

  • Dogs: declaw
  • Computers: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan

  • Dogs: 12 years
  • Computers: 12 months

At end of useful life

  • Dogs: euthanasia
  • Computers: tax deduction

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Floppy Disk Care

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Calls to Call Centers

Samsung Electronics

  • Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
  • Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
  • Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".

RAC Motoring Services

  • Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?
  • Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

  • Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".
  • Operator: "Where are you calling from?".
  • Caller: "The living room".

  • Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
  • Customer: "OK".
  • Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
  • Customer: "No".
  • Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".
  • Customer: "No".
  • Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
  • Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
  • Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".
  • Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?".

British Rail

  • Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"
  • Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free."

  • Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
  • Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
  • Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
  • Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Computa-holic 12-Step Program
  • I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
  • I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
  • I will get dressed before noon.
  • I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
  • I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
  • I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
  • I will read a book...if I still remember how.
  • I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
  • I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
  • I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
  • I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
  • Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night.

I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint...

..., he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for cleaning, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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Old computer terms
  • Bit: a word used to describe computers, as in "our son's computer cost quite a bit."
  • Boot: what your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
  • Bug: what your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
  • Chips: the fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
  • Copy: what you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
  • Cursor: what you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "you $#% computer!"
  • Disk: what goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.
  • Dump: the place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
  • Error: what you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
  • Expansion unit: the new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
  • Floppy: the condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see chips").
  • Hardware: tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
  • IBM: the kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
  • Menu: what you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
  • Monitor: often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
  • Programs: those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
  • Return: what a lot of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
  • Terminal: a place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
  • Window: what you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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