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The Engineer's Song (Sung to the Tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
Unix that is ... hard drives ... workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
  • When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
  • The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
  • When the going gets tough, upgrade.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
  • To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it's downright natural.
  • He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
  • The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
  • A complex system that does' t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
  • A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

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A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub.

The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It's in the Bible. God removed Adam's rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endeavorsí.

Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says that before that, God formed the Earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountains and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endeavorsí.

No to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, "Yes, but where do you think the Chaos came from?"

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, MD.
 

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Movie computers vs real Computer
  • A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
  • Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)
  • Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.
  • When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  • If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")
  • - If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
  • No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  • The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
  • Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
  • Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.
  • Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")
  • Word processors never display a cursor.
  • You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
  • All monitors display inch-high letters.
  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
  • Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  • Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
  • Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")
  • All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
  • Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
  • All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
  • People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A computer technician received a call from a man ...

... complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

  • A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.
     
  • A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
     
  • A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
     
  • An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
     
  • Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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More Real Technical Support Calls
  • Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
    Female customer: A white one...
     
  • Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
     
  • Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left o f the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?
     
  • Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
     
  • Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
     
  • Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Tech support: Do you have a color printer? 
    Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
     
  • Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
     
  • Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer:! OK
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
  • Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
  • Customer: can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.
  • Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
     
  • Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
     
  • Tech support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
     
  • A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

And last but not least...

  • Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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New old sayings ...
  • Anywhere you hang your @ is home.
  • The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.
  • A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  • You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  • Great groups from little icons grow.
  • Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  • C:\ is the root of all directories.
  • Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  • Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  • The modem is the message.
  • Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  • The geek shall inherit the earth.
  • A chat has nine lives.
  • Don't byte off more than you can view.
  • Fax is stranger than fiction.
  • What boots up must come down.
  • Windows will never cease.
  • In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
  • Virtual reality is its own reward.
  • Modulation in all things.
  • A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  • There's no place like ( http://www.)home(.com)
  • Know what to expect before you connect.
  • Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  • Speed thrills.
  • Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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You are a Nerd If...
  • If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
  • If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
  • If you have more toys than your kids
  • If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
  • If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
  • If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
  • If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
  • If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
  • If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
  • If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Actual call center conversations!

Customer: "I've been calling 7001000 for two days and can't get through; can" you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business." Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."


Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."


RAC Moto ring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"


Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe): "If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"


Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label Woven in Scotland."


On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."


Tech Support: "I need you to rightclick on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a popup menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right Click again. Do you see a popup menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" C
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"


Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed Houck
 

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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Computer Error Messages
  • The web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
  • Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
  •  Program aborting: close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
  • Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
  • Your file was so big. It might have been very useful. But now it is gone.
  • Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
  • A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
  • Three things are certain: death, taxes and lost data.
  • This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky. But we never will.
  • Having been erased, the document you are seeking must now be re-typed.
  • Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
  • If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
  • To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
  • If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
  • Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
  • To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
  • To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
  • If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
  • When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
  • We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
  • To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
  • Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
  • To undo a mistake, click on "back".
  • If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Go to page 8 of Computer Jokes

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