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A Conversation between Moses and God

Moses "Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." What is it this time, Moses; more computer Problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"


"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I. E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"

"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse , Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave "an image' and 'Thou shalt not correct Thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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A French teacher was explaining that in French nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine...

"House" is feminine - "la maison."

"Pencil" is masculine - "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic; The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

Submitted by Kate, Columbia, Md.

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Comical Answering Machine Messages ...
  • "Hi. This is John. If you're the phone company, I already sent the money. If you're my parents, please send money. If you're my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you're my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."  
  • "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."  
  • "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are   clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."  
  • "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist   suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

Submitted by Angela, Fairfield, PA.

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To Err Is Human, but . . .

A man living in Newton, Massachusetts received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away. In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.

In retrospect, he probably should have let them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that (are you ready for this?) the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined.

Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been cancelled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt.

He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect his debt.

This man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Who said, "To err is human, but to really mess things up it takes a computer..."? Computers may not be the root of all evil, but some days I'm convinced they come close.

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Young Joanne, the editor of a news publication, was having trouble with her computer.

So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Joanne called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Joanne's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," replied Joanne.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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In Japan, Microsoft error messages have been replaced with Haiku poetry...

Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, and 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Isn't that better than "Your computer has performed an illegal operation?"

Submitted by Patty

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Young Joanne, the editor of a news publication, was having trouble with her computer.

So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Joanne called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Joanne's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," replied Joanne.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend...

To thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a long illness. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I have seen to it that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS -- Pack lightly as it is hot down here.

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The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?":

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.

  • If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
  • If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
  • If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
  • He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
  • He'll make $3,710 while watching an episode of Friends.
  • If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
  • If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
  • He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
  • Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
  • If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
  • He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
  • He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
  • This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Submitted by Patty

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You know your really hooked on the Internet when ...
  • Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
  • Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screensaver.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
  • Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
  • Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
  • You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
  • Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
  • Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
  • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  • You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
  • You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  • You wake up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

Submitted by Patty, Ringoes, NJ

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A shipwrecked man was barely surviving after four months on a deserted island ...

... when one day on the beach, a gorgeous woman rowed up to the shore. "I've been on the other side of the island since my cruise ship sank," she told him.

"At least you had a rowboat wash up with you," he said.

"Oh, I made that out of palm branches and coconut trees." She explained.

"With no tools?" He asked incredulously.

"It was a simple matter of heating an unusual type of rock I found to a certain temperature in my kiln, then melting that into a forgeable iron to make the hardware." She told him. "Do you want to come see my treehouse?"

Well, did he ever! This woman had an amazing fortress, and she cooked him a delicious five-course dinner in her handmade cookware.

After dinner, she went to slip into something comfortable and came back wearing almost nothing. She gazed into his eyes and said, "We've been lonely. I'm sure there's something you want to do right now, something you've been longing for all of these months. I think you know what I mean." He couldn't believe his luck.

"You mean..." He was almost speechless. "I can check my e-mail from here?!"

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Divers reported hearing tapping in the form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub.

The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "Windows sucks" in Morse code.  The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this.  It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

Captain: Is new fire control Windows OS installed yet, Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. Just need to finish filling out registration card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon is being able to point and click our enemies into oblivion. [evil laughter in background]
Seaman: Comrade Captain! Is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows for first time". [long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, is wanting me to reboot again. That makes 27th time.
Captain: Hmmm. Is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye, aye Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: Captain, is up again. Is saying it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM drive and that is needing drivers.
Captain: Where are drivers?
Seaman: On CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking, right?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot damn thing again. I am starting not to liking this Windows. [another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! Is back! Is saying it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for device drivers. Do we have driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use default drivers. [another long pause]
Seaman: Is wanting to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? Is taking forever. Our hull is rusting out before this works. [another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! Is up and this time is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I think is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now is clicking on the fire control icon and letting us see how this works.
Seaman: Is clicking now, Sir. [another long pause] [another long pause]
Captain: Why does fire control screen have dancing paper clip on it?
Seaman: I have no idea, Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, is trying clicking on menu.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Is saying: Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo.
Captain: Is spamming friend later. Is firing torpedo now.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: Is asking us to load torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load torpedo in tube number 1!
[intercom:] This is Torpedo room. Torpedo is loaded, Sir. Captain: Click on continue button.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause]
Seaman: Is asking for target, Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, is targeting Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! Is saying torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Is firing torpedo, Sir. [another really long pause]
Captain: Well? Seaman: Am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait minute.... [a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]
Captain: WTF was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! New screen has appeared! "Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. "Click 'OK' to continue."
Seaman: Oh my God! Paper clip has died! What should I do?
Captain: Is shutting it down! Is shutting it down!
Seaman: Is not responding Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! Task manager is still operating. I am instructing task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. [another long pause]
Seaman: Task manager is saying that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.
Captain: Tell it to 'end task.'
Seaman: Is happening nothing, Sir.
Captain: Is trying 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh! Is pretty blue screen!
Captain: Not Blue Screen of Dea.... [KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.]

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md. 

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