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A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. 

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. 

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. 

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota. 

The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going to have to impound them as evidence."

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The man asked . . .

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor . . .

. . . who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooosshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" 

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill......"

Submitted By Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony . . .

. . . beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of

my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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Mrs. Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. 

She was very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting had been a wonderful hypnotist.

Mr. Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday services. Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea. After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath service. The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hyponost began: "Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch."

The congregants carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch.

"Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued.

Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand. "Oh crap!" He cried . . . . 

Took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.

 "How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman.

"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely.

"Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?"

"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."
"That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly.
"That's it."

"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum."

"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay, got a pencil?"

"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale.'"

Submitted By Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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The Pope was on his way to a very important meeting in New York and was running late.

He told the limo driver to go a little faster.

The driver replied, "I'm going the speed limit."

The Pope kept repeatedly asking the driver to speed up, to no avail. Finally, the Pope told the driver, "Pull over and let me drive." Of course the guy had to agree as this was the Pope and you can't say no to the Pope.

So the Pope is driving now and going about 90 mph, swerving in and out of traffic, running red lights when he is pulled over by the police.

The cop takes one look in the car and says, "Excuse me a minute," and makes a call to his captain. He says, "Captain, I got a problem, I pulled this guy over and I don't know if I should give him a ticket."

The captain asks, "Does he deserve a ticket?"

The cop says," Yeah he's a horrible driver!"

The captain, "Is he important?"

The cop, "Yeah, I'D say."

The captain, "More important than the mayor?"

The Cop, "Yeah, he is."

Captain, "More important than the governor?"

The cop, "Yep"

Captain, "How about the president? He couldn't be more important than him."

Cop, "I think he is."

Captain, "Just who is this guy?"

Cop, "I'm not sure but he's got to be really important. The Pope is his chauffeur!"

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, MD.

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Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. 

They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.

To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.

The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree,

across the green and right into the hole...

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day then another and another. After a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

Submitted by Wendy,

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A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids . . .

. . . who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.

After some thought, he made a sign that said, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Submitted by Wendy,

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In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective immediately: 

Please share this information with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.

  1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or they may make their own arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose.
  2. Our PBX operators have all been let go, so if you are walking through the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.
  3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT, and other services. Please form a "train" by holding tightly on to the handles of the wheelchair in front of you.
  4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can, please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early afternoons. That would really be helpful and will help to reduce your wait.
  5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients are asked to report to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central Sterile and pick up a clean instrument tray & surgery pack and proceed to the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please take several Aleve prior to arriving at the hospital for surgery.
  6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the gift shop. They will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients. A deposit will be required but is fully refundable if bedpans are returned clean.
  7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's needs and discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the patient.
  8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced by oxygen masks which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from the ceiling over patient beds. If this occurs, please place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.
  9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters' jackets and these will be issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance because the jackets already had a first name embroidered on the pocket. We will work with you to find a name that you can live with. If you also are on the staff at the University Hospital, we hope this won't be a problem. We recognize that in academic settings, "length of coat status" is very important.
  10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics floor -- not only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give you a much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.
  11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
  12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
  13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
  14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from other vendors, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.
  15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills that we received last summer, out new policy is to have fans available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick are free upon request.
  16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.
  17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Wal-Mart and pick up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your stay, coin operated washers and dryers are available for patient use.
  18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties. If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mover, weed-whacker, etc. If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let us know. Thank you for your cooperation.

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.

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Jake had been an observant catholic and was in the hospital, near death. 

The family called their priest, to be with them. As the priest stood next to the bed, Jake's condition appeared to deteriorate rapidly and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Jake used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing his eulogy, he realized that he 
was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Jake died.

He said, "You know, Jake handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Jake, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. " He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn NY

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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
  • A speech impediment.
  • Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
  • Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.
  • What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
  • Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo!"
  • What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
  • Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
  • What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Submitted by Joe, Emmitsburg, Md.

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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Submitted by John, Brookhaven, NY.

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood . . .

 . . . and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," shouted the bat, "because I didn't!"

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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