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Money...It can buy a house . . . . . but not a home. 

  • It can buy a bed . . . . . but not sleep.
  • It can buy a clock . . . . . but not time.
  • It can buy a book . . . . . but not knowledge.
  • It can buy a position . . . . . but not respect.
  • It can buy medicine . . . . . but not health.
  • It can buy blood . . . . . but not life.
  • It can buy sex . . . . . but not love.

So you see, money isn't everything and it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The sooner , the better.

Submitted by Flo, Germantown, Md.

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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. 

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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You know that all potatoes have eyes...

 Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one...a real sweet potato, whom they called "Yam." They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like "Hot Potato," and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

She said, "Not to worry, no Mr. McSpud could get me in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of me!" But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also! said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped. She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say "Frito Lay".

Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho P.U., that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from. When she graduates, she'll really be in the Chips.

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a . . .


Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. 

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.

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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news. Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to acquire some equipment."

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks, 14,000 armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as well."

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10,000 bombers, 20,000 MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million men."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

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A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds.

 He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God," he said, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God answered, "To me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "Sure! Just a minute."

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So there are these two bees and one bee asks the other, "Where can I get something to eat around here?"

The second bee replies, "Well, there is a Bar Mitzvah going on down the street, about half a mile, should be plenty of flowers and pastries to eat."

The first bee thanks him and heads off to the party.

A little while later, the first bee returns, with a bloated belly and a yarmulke on his head.

He tells the second bee, "I found it, it was awesome! So many fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!"

The second bee asks him, "So what's with the yarmulke? Did you convert?"

The first bee replies, "I wore it so they wouldn't think I was a wasp."

Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, Md.

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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year . . .

. . . Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Submitted by Jon, Miamisburg, Oh.

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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. 

One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Belgian).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co

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A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven . . . 

. . . Upon arrival she is greeted with ceremony and honor and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is prepared for her. She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with Holy Mary, if this is possible. 

Peter agrees on the spot, and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within, and he opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter.

Inside, sitting in a plain chair, is a middle-aged Jewish woman in the garb of the first century, knitting. The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet, and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting, and indicates it's OK to ask.

"Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the mother of God, but if you could, please just give me an inkling of what your first thoughts where when Jesus was born?"

With a distant look in her eyes she replies, "Well, I was hoping for a girl . . ."

Submitted by Sister Wink, Brooklyn, NY

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Things to do to drive your roommate crazy

  1. Insist that your roommate recite the pledge of allegiance with you every morning.
  2.  Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.
  3. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.
  4.  Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves.
  5. While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.
  6. Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.
  7. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
  8. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make a milkshake every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty hamster cage, and say, "I was curious."
  9. Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket.
  10. Aerate your underwear drawer. explain that "they" are not getting enough oxygen.
  11. Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate's pictures. Complain that they were staring at you.
  12. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "it's time to go to bed now."
  13. Insist that back home where you come from, people were not considered friends unless they called each other as "schnookums". Address them as such in as many public places as possible.
  14. Explain that you used to have a strange disorder in which you would lash out at anyone nearby. Go on to say that you have been completely cured since your doctor started you on a new pill that you usually take right about then. Reach into your bag, search around for a couple of minutes and murmur "uh-ohhh..." as you look VERY concerned. Then smile sheepishly and say "Wellll...sometimes aspirin helps."
  15. Ask directions to the nearest Kmart. When your roommate asks why, tell them that maybe this year, if they're lucky, santa will bring them a new wardrobe. Wink obviously.
  16. Take out a huge, ancient-looking book and ask if your roommate has ever wondered about voodoo.
  17. Buy a wig with your hair color, and give it a horrendous haircut. Put it on, and when your roommate comes in, act like nothing is different and casually drop in that you had decided that it was time for a trim. Then ask if they're ready for that night out on the town you'd been planning for so long.

Submitted by Megan, Emmitsburg, Md. 

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A traveler, lost on a rainy night, stumbles across a monastery and takes shelter there. 

Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner, which turns out to be the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen and asks "Excuse me, but who cooked that meal?"

Two of the brothers step forward in response. "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"Pleased to meet you both. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner." Both brothers smile and murmur "Thank you, our pleasure."

"Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles said, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She winces, turns pale, and says to the other brother, "Oh, no. Then you must be..."

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Submitted by Wink, New York, NY

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A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show . . .

. . .and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

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An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.

"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

Submitted by Sister Wink, New York, NY

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Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. 

They thought it was because they weren't baptized. So they went to the nearest church but only the janitor was there.

One said, " We have to be baptized 'cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So the janitor took them in the bathroom and dunked them in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play and go see the preacher on Sunday."

When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, "What religion are we?"

"We're not Catlick cause they pour the water" one said.

"And we're not Baptist 'cause they dunk you."

The littlest one said, "I smelled that water, I know what we are -- we're Pisscopalians".

Submitted by Peggy, Brunswick, Md.

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Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says. . .

. . . "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.

Submitted by Larry,  Bethesda Md.

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Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods . . . 

. . . all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo ! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, Kawabonga!! Weee Doggies!! Look at the size of this cave! It's much bigger than those the Indians found. "There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read.....

"Naked Hillbilly Run over by Freight Train."

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The Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or not.  

Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. 

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"  The person on the phone  responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.  A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"  "Yes", the weather person replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.  Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the person replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

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The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. 

He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions.

  1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?
  2. How many seconds are there in a year?
  3. What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one. how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest replied, "Andy."

"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied, "I learned it from the song ..... "Andy Walks with Me, Andy Talks with Me, Andy Tells Me I Am His Own...

Submitted by Andy, Poolesville, Md.

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An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean . . .

. . . that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Submitted by Larry, Bethesda, Md.

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A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. 

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Submitted by Larry, Bethesda, Maryland

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