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Off at college, the student has gone through all of his allowance.  

He calls his Dad. "Dad, you're not going to believe what they can do here. They're got a program that'll teach Fido how to *talk*. All you've got to do is send Fido along with $1000!"

Dad's pretty excited by this, so the next day he ships Fido and a grand in cash to his son at the University.  About 2/3 of the way thru the semester, he's out of money again. So, once again, he gets Dad on the phone.

"How's Fido doing?" Dad asks

"He's doing GREAT. Talking up a storm! But you won't believe this Fido's had such great results, they've instituted a program just for him to learn how to READ."

"Amazing! What do I need to do?"

"Just send $2,500 and I'll make sure Fido gets in the class."

Once again, within a couple of days, the student had money to spend.

Sure enough, though, the end of the semester comes. The boy is facing the time when he has to go home and, naturally, Fido can't speak or read a single word. So he just shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his dad asks, "So, where's Fido? I can't wait to hear him talk to and listen to him read something!"

"Well, Dad, there's a problem. I have some bad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the paper as he does now. He turned to me and said, 'Hey, your daddy still messing around with that cute little redhead over on Oak Street?'"

The father says, "Oh man!!! I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad."

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride . . .

. . . "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'm a golfer," he said.

"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."

Submitted by Jon, Miamisburg, Md.

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In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain . . .

. . . how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."

Submitted by Alicia, Emmitsburg, Md.

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The Game Warden goes down to conduct a surprise inspection . . .

. . . as the fishermen come in at a lake in Minnesota. He notices that one of the boats has many more fish than any of the others. He goes up to the fisherman and asks him how he caught all of those fish. The fisherman invites him to come out with him on the lake and he'll show him. So, out they head and shortly after, the fisherman picks up a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it into the lake. "BOOM"...40-50 fish float to the top. The Game Warden can't believe what he has just witnessed. Aghast, he says to the fisherman, "You are is so much trouble, that is completely illegal, I am going to have to haul you in, arrest you, fine you...".

The fisherman listens for a little bit, leans over picks up another stick of dynamite, lights it, tosses it at the Game Warden and says, "You talkin' or you fishin'?"

Submitted by Sally Owen, Herndon, Va.

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By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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Dan got a frantic call from his blond girlfriend.

"I've got a problem," she said.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?"

"A big rooster."

"All right, " Dan said. "I'll come over and take a look."

The woman led Dan into her kitchen and showed him the puzzle on the table.

"For Pete's sake Buffy," he exclaimed after he saw it. "Put the Corn Flakes back in the box!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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Real quotes from medical records
  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Submitted by Wink, New York, NY

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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. 

The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new rooster the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says: 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he defiantly thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

Submitted by Wink, Brooklyn, NY.

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An old man was laying on his death bed

He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies. He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world. With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen. There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.

"Leave them alone!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"

Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.

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Army vs Navy

Once there was a season when the Navy and Army football teams were not scheduled to play each other. It seemed so unusual, that the coaches of both academies got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the 2 teams because of their great rivalry. They decided on a week long ice-fishing competition. The team who caught the most fish at the end of the week would win.

So on a cold northern South Dakota lake (a neutral site so no one would whine about home field advantage), they began their contest.

The 1st day, after 8 hours of fishing, Navy had caught 100 fish and Army had 0.

At the end of the 2nd day, Navy had caught 200 fish and Army had 0.

That evening the Army coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." The next morning he dressed one of his players in blue and white and sent him over to the camp to act as a spy.

At the end of the day, the spy came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, "Well, how about it, are they cheating?" 

"They sure are," the Army player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice!"

Submitted by 'Capt' Ed, Annapolis, Md.

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