My Little Sister's Jokes > List of Clean Jokes > Page:  19 | 20 | Next

My Little Sister's Jokes is happily maintained
 by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.

Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.

"What's wrong?" asked Jack.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles," the guy answered. "There's crazy people in Los Angeles. They have shootings, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


Ways the Bible Would Be Different if Written by College Students...
  • Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
  • The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
  • New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
  • Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
  • Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
  • Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
  • The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
  • Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
  • Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
  • Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.

When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


As the family gathered for a big dinner together ...

... the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $5 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


Smart Ass Answers ...
  • A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
     
    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
     
  • The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
     
    The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
     
  • A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word ...

... and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP! .....!

Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Submitted by Don, Bethesda, Md.
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball ...

... he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings ...

... and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


School Answering Machine

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

  • To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
  • To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
  • To complain about what we do - Press 3
  • To swear at staff members - Press 4
  • To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
  • If you want us to raise your child - Pres s 6
  • If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
  • To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
  • To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
  • To complain about school lunches - Press 0
  • If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you can read this - thank a teacher! If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran!

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end.

The bartender asks the first man what he wants.

I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."

Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle. It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."

The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living.

"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."

Then he asks the other man what he does.

"Theoretical mathematician at the college."

"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have the identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds on something like that happening?"

Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


On the banks of a river sat three Indian women ...

..., sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense Indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.

A native American mathematician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Submitted ay Al, Seattle, Wa.
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


For people in a hurry, we have compiled this short history of medicine ...

... using as an example the treatment of that common ailment, the ear ache.

  • 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
  • 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
  • 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
  • 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
  • 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
  • 2006 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge

with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his paws."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive ...

... expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asked the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads"

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

 Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes


A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish.

A leading local politician, a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Don't Ever Be Late for a Meeting.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
 

Go to page 21 of Clean Jokes

Return to: Top of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes