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Why did the chicken cross the road? 
  • JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road It's as plain and simple as that.
  • KEN STARR:  I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. 
  • Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer.
  • PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
  • DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
  • ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
  • MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
  • GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
  • ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
  • KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
  • SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
  • RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
  • CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
  • FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
  • MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
  • FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
  • BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
  • EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
  • IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.
  • LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
  • THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
  • COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
  • LA POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
  • RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I do not know any chickens!

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The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home . . .

. . . filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe.

Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth.

He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room, and noticed a birdcage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage.

"Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar.

"Yes, I am", said the parrot.

"Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you?'" asked the man.

"Because I felt like you needed to be warned", replied the parrot. By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the living daylights out of him.

"What's your name? Asked the burglar.

"Moses," the parrot said.

"Hah," the man guffawed. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"

The parrot exclaimed, "The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa

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Martin had just received his brand new drivers license . . .

. . . The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co. 

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An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar . . .

. . . and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. 

Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..." 

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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The southern preacher rose with a red face . . . 

. . . "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I am a member of the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop - rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

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Engineer's one, err, two liners:
  • Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
  • To the optimist, the glass is half full.
    To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
  • A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! " The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact an ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

  • The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does that work?"
    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does that work?"
    The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will that cost?"
    The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
  • An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
  • An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Submitted by Sharon, Unionville Pa.

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This elderly gentleman took his dog to the vet . . .

.  . . and after inspecting the dog the vet said, "I hate to tell you this but your dog is dead!" The old man said, "Are you sure, he can't be dead."

The vet said I have another test and he brought in a Labrador retriever that walked around the dog, sniffed and then barked. The vet said he doe not lie.

The man replied, "Are you sure?"

The vet said I have one more test and he brought in a cat that walked around the dog and sniffed and then meowed. The vet said that confirms my diagnosis.

The old gentleman said, "How much do I owe you?" The vet replied, "$1,050. The old man said, "What?!?!?"

The vet said if you had taken my first opinion it would have been $50, but there is $250 for the lab test and $750 for the catscan.

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A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane . . .

The daughter was coming home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and surprises her Mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoth ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.

Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot. .I said RICH doctor!"

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co. 

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For all you golfers out there

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.  As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.
 "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down.  So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded . . .

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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Cold is relative
 At _________Degrees (Fahrenheit)

    * 65  Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
    * 60  Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
    * 50  Miami residents turn on the heat
    * 45  Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
    * 40  You can see your breath
    *   Californians shiver uncontrollably
    *   Minnesotans go swimming
    *   Michiganders play golf
    * 35  Italian cars don't start
    * 32  Water freezes
    * 30  You plan your vacation to Australia
    * 25  Michigan water freezes
    *    Californians weep pitiably
    *    Michiganders eat ice cream
    *    Canadians go swimming
    * 20  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
    *   New York City water freezes
    *   Miami residents plan vacation further South
    * 15  French cars don't start
    *   Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
    * 10  You need jumper cables to get the car going
    * 5    American cars don't start
    * 0    Alaskans put on T-shirts
    *-10  German cars don't start
    *   Eyes freeze shut when you blink
    * -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
    *   Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
    *   Miami residents cease to exist
    * -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
    *    Politicians actually do something about the homeless
    *    Michiganders shovel snow off roof
    *    Japanese cars don't start
    * -25 Too cold to think
    *   You need jumper cables to get the driver going
    * -30 You plan a two week hot bath
    *   Swedish cars don't start
    * -40 Californians disappear
    *   Michiganders button top button
    *   Canadians put on sweaters
    *   Your car helps you plan your trip South
    * -50 Congressional hot air freezes
    *   Alaskans close the bathroom window
    * -80 Hell freezes over
    *   Polar bears move South
    *  Lions fans order hot cocoa at the game
    * -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

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Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference . . .

At the station, the three engineers each buy a ticket and watch as the three accountants only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.

They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The engineers see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an accountant.

When they board the train all three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

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