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A Day In The Life Of A Blond BMW Driver

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realize his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realized it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realized I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers license to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re $20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving license, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when your blond and own and drive a BMW!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess..

...the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A Golfer came home after a game with both of his front pockets full of golf balls ...

...and ran into his daughter's best friends - a blond, coming out of the kitchen.   The puzzled blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle...

..., who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up ...

...and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde, I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh,? I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.? the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he? Said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston."

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this," and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Blond One liners
  • Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
  • What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt? A brain tumor.
  • What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
  • What do most blondes get on an IQ test? Drool.
  • These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
  • Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don't drink!
  • What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a four way stop.
  • How did the blonde die while drinking milk? The cow sat down!
  • Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
  • Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.
  • What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen? Far-from-thinkin.
  • What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot.
  • Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? She missed.
  • What do you give the blonde who has everything? Penicillin.
  • Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
  • Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom? They have to pull their own pants down.
  • Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house.
  • Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
  • Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A blond sat in her stalled car, waiting for help.

Finally, two men walked up to her.

"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks.

After awhile, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a gas station.

"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."


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Ten-for-Dinner Blonde

Mr. & Mrs. Smith had been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith came home from work and said to his blonde wife that he had invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

Mrs. Smith was a bit apprehensive and asked if she must cook a meal for the four. Mr. Smith explained that there would be eight coming because each would bring his wife or a date. Since this was there first party, he consoled her by saying that all she has to do was get some Chinese food in and perhaps she could bake a cake. This sounded like a good idea, and they sat down and decided what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning his wife called the office in tears. She explained that the only cake recipe she had would only feed six.

Her hubby said, "Why don't you just double the recipe?"

She decided that was a good idea.

At four, hubby got another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," the wife weeped. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, the recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?

"Yes -- Then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby said rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," sobbed his wife, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store.

He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Blonde Cookbook Diary ...

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cattle, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.

You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a

hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde,

"But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,? That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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She Was So Blonde That ...
  • She tripped over a cordless phone.
  • She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
  • She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
  • She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
  • She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  • She studied for a blood test.
  • When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  • When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
  • She sold the car for gas money!

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Three blondes die in a car crash ...

... they're at the pearly gates of Heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter if they can answer one simple, religious question: "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and thanks God for their blessings."

"Wrong!" St. Peter shakes his head in disgust. "I'm sorry; you must go to the other place!"

He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" She replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in dismay, and tells her she's wrong, too. She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter. "Do tell." So, she begins: "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St Peter smiled broadly with great relief. But the third blonde continued...

"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car ...

...and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.  The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,.."Okay, you can go I didn't realize you were a cop.

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

Go to page 7 of Blond Jokes

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