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New Dog Breeds ...
  • Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso: a dog that folds up for easy transport
  • Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow: a dog that throws up a lot
  • Pointer + Setter Poinsettera:  traditional Christmas pet
  • Malamute + Pointer Moot Point: owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
  • Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs: a puzzling breed
  • Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso: an abstract dog
  • Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer: a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
  • Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever: the choice of research scientists
  • Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound: a dog for financial advisors
  • Terrier + Bulldog Terribull: a dog that makes awful mistakes
  • Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador: a dog that barks incessantly
  • Collie + Malamute Commute: a dog that travels to work
  • Deerhound + Terrier Derriere: a dog that's true to the end
  • Bull Terrier + Shitzu Bull: ... Oh, never mind

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, MD.

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Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

  1. They live here. You don't.
  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
  3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
  4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Submitted by Pat, Clear Lake Va.

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As we enter the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year season ...

...  I think that it is important for everyone to take a step back and remember that we can all have fun without getting dangerous. I've attached a rather graphic picture of an overdose victim, not for it's shock value, but in the hope that everyone remains aware of his or her limits. When you look at this picture, remember that this did not have to happen.

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day ...

... by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

[]Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Submitted by Kate, Columbia, Md.

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I lived on a farm when I was a child ...

... Times were hard back then, and the area where I lived was economically depressed. I knew that the neighbors were having a hard time making ends meet. One day, I heard a knock at the door, and when I went to answer, this is the sad sight that I saw that broke my heart.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Go to page 6 of Animal Jokes

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