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How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
  1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
  2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
  4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
  5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
  6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
  7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
  8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
  9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,  The Dog

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Things a good dog remembers
  • The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  • I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  • I will not roll my toys behind the 'fridge or sofa or under the bed.
  • I must shake the rainwater off of my coat before entering the house.
  • I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
  • I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
  • I will not throw up in the car.
  • I will not roll on dead or decaying mammals, fish or fowl just because I like the way they smell.
  • "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
  •  I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
  •  The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  •  I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
  •  I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my owners will think I am hemorrhaging.
  •  When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
  •  Even though we have a door bell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  •  I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
  • The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
  • My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  • I will not bite the Trooper's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.
  • I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  • To avoid having a string hanging out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.
  • I will not "roll around in the dirt" after getting a bath.
  • I will not fart, belch, or sneeze at my owner while sleeping in their bed.
  • I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
  •  The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
  •  The cat is not a squeaky toy... So when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Submitted by Penny, MD.

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A local business was looking for office help and put up as sign ...

... saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, .... "Meow."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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A Dog’s Dictionary:
  • Bath: A process by which humans use to drench the floor, walls and themselves. Retaliate by shaking vigorously and frequently.
  • Bicycle: Two-wheeled human transport device useful for dogs to control body fat or reduce boredom. For maximum effect, hide behind a bush and upon approach of such human-operated device, dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards—the human will swerve and fall, thereupon you proudly, but quickly, prance away.
  • Bump-regular: The best way to get human attention while the human is drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. To execute, maneuver your snout under the arm holding the liquid beverage. When your snout is properly positioned, with one smooth flowing action, bounce the human’s arm upward.
  • Bump-goose: A more involved maneuver than the bump-regular, requiring that you wrap your fore paws and legs around the human’s legs and begin climbing up the legs. This is a last resort when the bump-regular doesn’t get the desired attention. Please note: this advanced bump will almost certainly cause an immediate, unintended response, and caution is advised.
  • Deafness: A malady affecting dogs when a human requests action on your part. Frequently, phrases like: "come here", "get off", "get out" or "NO!" cause this malady. Symptoms include staring blankly at the human, running in opposite direction or lying down.
  • Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread, newly upholstered furniture, or the human’s favorite recliner chair.
  • Garbage Can: A container put out once a week to test your overall intelligence, ingenuity and skill. To succeed in this event, stand on your hind legs and carefully and quietly, push the lid off with your nose. With correct execution, you will find valuable treats inside such as Taco Bell Wrappers, pizza boxes with moldy crusts and other delicacies. Proper follow-through involves strewing the contents as consistently, within the immediate area, as possible.
  • Leash: A restrictive implement selected by humans based primarily on color, style or other impractical human criteria. This "pet restraint" attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your human around wherever you desire. Please note: leading a human around on a leash can frustrate him, so a certain amount of patience is required on your part.
  • Love: A feeling of intense affection which can vary from a simple pat on the head to a big kiss on your snout. The best way to show your appreciation and love is to wag your tail and jiggle your body from nose to tail.
  • Sofas: A multi-purpose household object that can be used as a dog bed (see above) or alternatively, as what humans refer to as a "napkin." After eating, it is polite to clean up by running your snout up and down the front of the sofa. This will ensure removal of all food particles from your whiskers.
  • Thunder: A signal or potential impending doom. Humans are curiously intrigued by this event, yet remain amazingly calm, so it is necessary to warn them of danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, running around in circles, and projecting a look of panic. To keep the humans calm, it is best to stay right on their heels during the event. If this occurs while the humans are sleeping, it is best to jump on their bed and wake them by walking back and forth across them.
  • Wastebasket: Similar to garbage can (see above), but smaller, easier to get into but not as often filled with the same delights. Wastebaskets usually are found in several locations throughout the human living space. These can be used to relieve boredom while the human is away from home. Turn over the basket and strew the contents all over the room. Shredding paper is particularly enjoyable, yet it is uncertain if humans truly appreciate the effort and time involved in the shredding process.

Submitted by Gary, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Dear Dogs ... When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way ....
  • The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
  • The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
  • I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
  • When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and trying to grab the ball through the glass is not helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie points.
  • My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
  • For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
  • The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.

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Why cats are better then men ...
  • A cat matures as it grows older.
  • Back hair on cats is cute.
  • Cats comfort you when you are sick.
  • When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.
  • Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
  • A cat is loyal.
  • Cats actually think with their heads.
  • "Meow" is never a lie.
  • They'll both stand outside your door and whine, but the cat will stop when it gets in.
  • It's more amusing to watch a cat try and deal with a piece of tape stuck on its paw than to watch a man do anything.
  • To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 35 cents.
  • A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.
  • Cats can't show love without meaning it.
  • Cats are always cute.
  • It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous
  • "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
  • "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
  • "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
  • "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
  • "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney
  • "We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam
  • "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
  • "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
  • "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner
  • "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry
  • "And nobody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones
  • "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
  • "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx
  • "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
  • "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein

Submitted by Erika, Fairfield, Pa.

Go to page 5 of Animal Jokes

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