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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males...

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?!"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
  • Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
  • Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  • How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
  • How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
  • Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
  • If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
  • What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
  • I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called the Wedding Cake.
  • Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida
 

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A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night...

...when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Fall classes for women at the adult learning center

Note: due to the complexity and difficulty level Of their contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat - Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2: Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program. - Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? - Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! - Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. - Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.- Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12: How to Shop by Yourself. - Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women...

  • You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
  • You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
  • If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
  • Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
  • Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
  • A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
  • Guns function normally every day of the month.
  • A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
  • A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And The Number One Reason Why Some Men Prefer Guns Over Women...

  • You can buy a silencer for a gun!

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!
 

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Fathers back then...fathers today

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted a Game Cube!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Steve took his new wife camping for the first time.

At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. Steve tried the usual tactics to determine direction; moss on the trees (there was no moss), the direction of the sun (it was an overcast day).

Just as his wife was beginning to panic, Steve spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, then turned and led his wife right back to their camp.

"That was terrific," she said, impressed. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, all TV satellite dishes point south."
 

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Tired of having to balance his wife's checkbook...

...a husband made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, the wife said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"

Impressed, the husband came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"

"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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You know you're in a man's ideal world when:
  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.
 

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The Day I started my construction job...

..., I was in the office filling out an employee form when I came to:

Single__, Married__, Divorced___ .

I marked single. Glancing the man next to me who was also filling out the form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks.

Instead he'd written, "Yes, in that order."
 

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At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked.

... a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"

"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."

"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar...

..., the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Really bad pickup lines
  • Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.
  • Can I borrow that quarter, ícause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love.
  • Whatís wrong? Youíre looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.
  • Are your legs tired? ícause you been running through my mind ALL day long.
  • Are you lost? ícause itís so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?
  • Can I see that lable? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.
  • Do you like raisins? How about a date?
  • Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
  • Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.
  • Hi, my nameís _____, but you can call me "lover".
  • Could I borrow a quarter? ícause I just want to call your mother and thank her.
  • Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?
  • (At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?
  • You look like the type of girl thatís heard every line in the book. So whatís one more?
  • Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
  • Iím new in townÖcould you give me directions to your apartment?
  • I think youíre the most beautiful girl Iíve seenÖon a Wednesday
  • I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?
  • I know I donít look like much now, but Iím drinking milk.
  • Are you religious? Good, cause Iím here to answer your prayers.
  • Why donít you drop the zero and get with the hero
  • Inheriting 80 million doesnít mean much when you have a weak heart.
  • I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
  • If your parents hadnít met, Iíd be a very unhappy man right now.
  • I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
  • You can forget about going to heaven because itís sin to look that good.
  • We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why donít you just come along peacefully?
  • I envy your lipstick.
  • I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
  • You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - Iíve just gotta have it.
  • Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what Iím here after.
  • If I had eleven roses and you, Iíd have a dozen.
  • Baby, you look so sweet youíre giving me a cavity.
  • Is it me or am I gorgeous?
  • Iíd even marry your dog just to be related to you.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Why I fired my secretary ...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
 

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The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you during pregnancy...

Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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