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A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket . . .

. . .to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows a head of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No."

Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?" The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee . . .

. . . when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?" the curious man asked.

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

Finally, the curious man asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

"Sure...get in line."

Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.

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To women everywhere from a man who's had enough
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
  • If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  • If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
  • Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
  • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
  • If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  • Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  • Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
  • We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
  • Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
  • Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  • Check your oil.
  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
  • No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  • Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
  • You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched.
  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  • If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
  • What the hell is a doily?

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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A preacher was telling his congregation . . .

. . . that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could he found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas, Tx.

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A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table . . .

. . . notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to he knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2 million in the bank, but not even for YOU would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month . . .

. . .when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. These handy guides should be in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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Proof that men are logical:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper.

I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449, according to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is ARMED!

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman . . .

. . . Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-foot so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer . . .

All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" So the man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!  The concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times.  All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women.  I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

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Beer Warning!

Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer turns men into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12! FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.... AND THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

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Adam's rib

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. God asked Adam what was wrong. Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God decided he would give him a companion and it would be a woman. God told Adam that the woman would cook for him, wash his clothes, and always agree with every decision he made. She would bear his children and never ask him to getup in the middle of the night to take care of them. She would not nag him and would always be the first to admit she was wrong during a disagreement. She would never have a headache, and would freely give him love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God what a woman like this would cost him. God told him, "An arm and a leg." Adam replied, "what can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.......

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Why dogs are better than Women
  • If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your motel room free of charge.
  • The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  • If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  • People think fat dogs are cute.
  • A dog will let you put a studded leather collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  • Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  • A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
  • If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
  • If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad ... they just find it interesting.
  • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  • On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
  • A dog's disposition stays the same all month.
  • It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  • A dog's parents never visit.
  • Dogs do not hate their bodies.
  • No dog ever put on a hundred pounds after reaching adulthood.
  • Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
  • Dogs agree; to get your point across, you have to raise your voice.
  • Dogs like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.
  • Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than in your wallet or desk
  • Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman Marcus.
  • If a dog leaves you, it won't try to take half your stuff.
  • Dogs can't talk.
  • Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  • You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  • Dogs like to go hunting.
  • Another man will seldom steal your dog.
  • If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you at the same time.
  • A dog will not wake you up at night and ask you, "If l died, would you get another dog?"

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