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A saleswoman is driving toward home in northern Arizona ... 

... when she sees a Native American woman hitchhiking.  Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Native American woman gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Native American woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", she asks.

It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband", says the saleswoman.

The Native American woman is silent for a while and then says, "Good trade."

Submitted by Lisa, Libertytown, Md.

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"As I grow in age, I value older women most of all"  Andy Rooney

Here are just a few reasons why:

  • An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
  • An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her.
  • An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
  • Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
  • Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
  • An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
  • A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
  • Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.
  • An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
  • Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize for all of us.

That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity.

Submitted by Marianna, Columbia, Md. 

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One liners only Women would appreciate . . .
  • Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
  • So many men, so few who can afford me.
  • God made us sisters, prozac made us friends.
  • Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
  • Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
  • I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun. (Personal favorite ! !!!)
  • Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
  • Do not start with me. you will not win.
  • All stressed out and no one to choke.
  • I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

And my favorite!

  • If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.

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Ten things you'll never hear a dad say...
  • Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
  • You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?
  • I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
  • Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!
  • What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
  • Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
  • Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
  • No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
  • Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100.
  •  What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but he doesn't mean it!)

Submitted by Marion, Havertown, Pa.

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Three blond guys are stranded on one side of a wide river and don't know how to get across.

The first blond guy prays to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross the river. God turns him into a brown haired man, and he swam across.

The second blonde guy prays to God to make him even smarter, so he can think of a better way to cross the river. God turns him into a red-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

The third blonde guy prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

Submitted by Wink, The Bronx, NY

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Take all American women who are within five years of menopause . . .

. . . train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.

We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

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The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips . . .

. . . she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...

Don't Ya Just Love Shopping for Shoes!

And what were you thinking?

Submitted by Vicki, Kennet Square, Pa.

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What men say and what they actually mean . . . 
  • "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
  • "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR
  • "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
  • "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
  • "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
  • "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
  • "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F-Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  • "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
  • "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
  • "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
  • "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
  • "I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
  • "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
  • "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
  • "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Advice From Women To Men
  • The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
  • The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
  • If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.
  • Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
  • Please don't drive when you're not driving.
  • Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
  • If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
  • The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
  • If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
  • Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
  • When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
  • We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance in fact -- please do !!!
  • When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
  • If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.
  • Don't insist that we "get off the phone" and then not talk to us.
  • Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
  • Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.
  • Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
  • We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

Submitted by Lisa, LIbertytown, Md.

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When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
  • The woman goes to the store.
  • The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
  • The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
  • The man places the meat on the grill.
  • The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
  • The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
  • The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
  • The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
  • After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
  • The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Submitted by Marion, Haverford, Pa.

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One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. 

He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try!"

"Poof!" said the genie, "You're a housewife!"

Submitted by Mary, Charlottesville, Va.

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38,562 men were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 

97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Submitted by Wendy,

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Why Women Talk So Much

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men.

Looking stunned, he said, "What?

Submitted by Marion, Haverford, Pa.

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Midlife crisis - For women:
  • Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
  • Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
  • Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
  • Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
  • Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
  • Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
  • Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
  • You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
  • Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
  • Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
  • Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are soaking in it.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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Women are Bright Because - We got off the Titanic first . . .
  • We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
  • Taxis stop for us.
  • We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
  • No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
  • We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
  • If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
  • We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
  • We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
  • We have the ability to dress ourselves.
  • We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
  • If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
  • There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  • We'll never regret piercing our ears.
  • We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  • We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

Go to page 5 of Jokes About Men

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