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When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress.

The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
 

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An out of shape old guy was working out in the gym...

... when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Submitted by My Little Sister Anna
 

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You know you're on a bad date when:
  • You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
  • You've never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.
  • He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.
  • Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2"
  • He's especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.
  • He calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.
  • He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Man is a woman's best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. To live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident and invincible.

No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of wine. Its wine that does all that.

Sorry.

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England
 

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Random Thoughts from a Woman
  • Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  • Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
  • One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.
  • My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
  • The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
  • The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
  • Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  • Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
  • I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
  • Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
  • Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
  • A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
  • They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."
  • The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
  • I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
  • I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
  • If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
 

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If men got pregnant
  • There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
  • Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
  • Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
  • All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.
  • Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
  • Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment.
  • They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
  • Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm.
  • Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.
  • They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."
  • Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
  • They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
  • Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entre.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women...

... called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge femi-features:

  • Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.
  • An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles
  • Permanent press fenders.
  • A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.
  • Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.

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Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.
 

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Humor Just for Women
  • What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
  • What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
  • What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage.
  • Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
  • How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
  • What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.

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What men say but really mean ...
  • "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  • "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
  • "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my room mates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
  • "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  • "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
  • "It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
  • "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
  • "We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
  • "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  • "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
  • "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
  • "It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
  • "You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  • "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
  • "I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
  • "What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
  • "She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."
  • "I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
  • "You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
  • "I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
  • "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
  • "We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
  • "I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The Bachelor's Diet

Monday: Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth. Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox. Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox. Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday: Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw. Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday: Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night at El Flasho's. Lunch - Rolaids and a coke. Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.

Thursday Breakfast - Order out for pizza. Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers. Dinner - Go to a bar. Ask the bartender for extra olives.

Friday: Breakfast - Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you. Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder. Dinner - Steak, medium-rare, baked potato and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday: Breakfast - Sleep through it. Lunch - Ditto. Dinner - Steak, well done, baked potato, and Brussels Sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday: Breakfast - Three Bloody Mary's and a Twinkie. Lunch - Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz? Dinner - Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask about renting your old room.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do...
  • Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
  • Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
  • Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
  • What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
  • You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
  • What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
  • Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
  • Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
  • Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
  • I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
  • You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
  • Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
  • My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
  • If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
  • Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
  • If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
  • You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
  • Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date...

 with a friend of a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked dinner.

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.

"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.

Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled for his dogs, "Here, Soap! Here,
Water!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Rules for Good Housekeeping (Especially for men!)
  • It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
  • Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
  • Never make fried chicken in the nude.
  • Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
  • You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
  • If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
  • When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly...

... that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."

"We hadn't started eating yet." He replied.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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