My Little Sister's Jokes > List of Jokes About Men > Page:  10 | 11 | Next

My Little Sister's Jokes is happily maintained
 by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.

Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

  • Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
  • Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
  • Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
  • Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
  • Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
  • Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
  • Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
  • Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
  • Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
  • Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
  • Rule #11: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
  • Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
  • Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
  • Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why...

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes


What Women Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

  1. Handsome
  2. Charming
  3. Financially Successful
  4. A Caring Listener
  5. Witty
  6. In Good Shape
  7. Dresses with Style
  8. Appreciates the Finer Things
  9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
  10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

  1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
  2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
  3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
  4. Listens more than he talks
  5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
  6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
  7. Owns at least one tie
  8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
  9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
  10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

  1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
  2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
  3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
  4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
  5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
  6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
  7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
  8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
  9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
  10. Shaves on most weekends

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

  1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
  2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
  3. Doesn't borrow money too often
  4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
  5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
  6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
  7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
  8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
  9. Remembers your name on occasion
  10. Shaves on some weekends

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

  1. Doesn't scare small children
  2. Remembers where bathroom is
  3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
  4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
  5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing
  6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
  7. Usually wears some clothes
  8. Likes soft foods
  9. Remembers where he left his teeth
  10. Remembers when...

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

  1. Breathing

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes


Ten Greatest Pick Up Line Comebacks
  • I know how to please a woman. ...then please leave me alone
  • You look like a dream. ...go back to sleep.
  • What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? ...what's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
  • I can tell that you want me. ...yes, I want you to leave.
  • I'd go through anything for you. ...let's start with your bank account.
  • May I have the last dance? ...you've just had it.
  • Your place or mine? ...both. You go to your place and I'll go to mine.
  • Your body is like a temple. ...sorry, there are no services today.
  • Is this seat empty? ...yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
  • Haven't I seen you someplace before? ...yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes


During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes


A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town...

... where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.

The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're fifty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight..

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,

'You put it in your purse.'

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes


One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple...

... and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes


A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New!

The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady s house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes


A ex-wife spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on the pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited A few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, asking how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she signed the papers that day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes


After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $250.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $130.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $50.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes


The World's Shortest Fairy Tale!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said: "NO!"

Then the girl went shopping, dancing, and traveling. She drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, went anywhere she wanted and didn't have to call home, never had pointless arguments, ate lots of ice cream, watched anything she wanted on TV, had many lovers ... or not, and didn't share her money with anyone. She had all the hot water to herself and the whole bed too. She didn't have to listen to snoring or farting or

burping. . .phew! She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore lacy lingerie that went up her butt, and never cried or yelled simply out of frustration. She read all those books by her bed and she sat in the sun and drank iced tea. She felt fabulous in sweat pants and wore them until they fell apart. She smiled and laughed and was pleasant all the time!

And ... the girl lived happily forever-after.

The End

Submitted by my Little Sister Anna, Merion, Pa.
 

Go to page 12 of Jokes About Men

Return to: Top of Page, List of Jokes About Men, My Little Sister's Jokes